


A Little Bit of History Repeating

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Assisted Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4951294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron is hit by the devastating news that Robert may not wake up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Bit of History Repeating

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly I'd like to apologise, these are meant to be Aarons thoughts, hence they are a little jumbled up.  
> Secondly, I have ignored the fact that Aaron had the gun, it didn't feel relevent to the story.  
> He talks about his self harm and Jacksons death so if you find that these are triggers please keep safe and do not read.  
> If you like it let me know, I have another chapter in my head that I'll put down if people are interested.  
> Thanks for reading.

“Aaron did you hear what I said?”

But Aaron wasn't listening. The thought of Robert not waking up just brought all the memories flooding back. How was this happening all over again? It had been 5 years ago today but nobody seemed to remember.

He had to get out, out of this house, out of his head. He grabbed his coat and ran out the door leaving behind a bewildered Chas. He could hear her calling out to him but he didn't want to deal with it. Now not, not today. He starts to run, he wants to get as far away as possible, and the running helped.

He remembers everything, the words he said, the words he didn't say and he wished he had. Those three little words that ruined everything. How could three little stupid words cause so much damage? He remembers how sorry he was he didn't say them, he couldn't say them back to him. If he did he might still be here. He'd just wanted to apologise to him but he managed to screw that up as well and he'd been hurt, badly. His actions always brought pain and suffering to the people he loved. Just look what happened to Paddy back then? All he wanted to do was help and he ended up black and blue. And now, look at the state his Mam was in because of him, having to lie to Andy, to everyone just to save him. And to make matters just that bit worse history was repeating its self and it was Robert lying in a hospital bed this time, not Jackson, it was Robert that might never wake up again, just like Jackson will never wake up again. Not after what he'd done, what he'd made him do. It was all his fault. It had been back then and it was now. If he'd said the words to Jackson he might still be here. If he hadn't have said the words to Robert he wouldn't be fighting for his life. Those words broke everything.

He made a promise to himself then that he would never say those words again. They hurt people. They hurt him.

Maybe Robert had been right and he did end up hurting the people he loved. Not that he loved Robert anymore, did he? He didn't know. All he knew was he hated him. Hated him so much he wished he was dead, but he hadn't actually pulled the trigger, he wasn't sure he could have but what did that mean? Maybe his fickle heart did still love him. He wished it didn't, wished he could erase the memory of him from it completely but then that would erase a part of him too. A part he thought had been closed off. The part Robert had brought back to life.

It was only days ago he'd made himself go and see him, the things he said came rushing back and he had to stop running. He held onto the wall to steady himself. The wall, the rough hard wall. Without thinking he ran his hand down it pressing hard, feeling the stone scrape across his skin, relishing in the pain it caused and the relief he felt afterwards. Clutching his hand to his chest he could think again. He'd actually said the words to him, told him to hurry up and die, but he'd been hurt and angry he didn't really feel like that even though he wanted to. He wanted nothing more to do with the selfish arrogant beautiful blonde man that made him fall so helplessly in love with him. Because he was, no matter what his head told him he couldn't deny what his heart felt, most recently it had been hate, hate for the suffering he'd caused but he couldn't deny that underneath the hate the love he once felt, that Robert had opened him up to, was still there.

He couldn't bear the thought of living in a world where Robert didn't exist. His Robert, the one only he knew, the man he loved. He tried it once with Jackson. The thought of living without him, carrying on with his life, after taking his, had broken him, to the point where the only thing keeping the guilt of what he’d done at bay had been the harm he inflicted upon himself. It wasn't exactly the pain he felt, it was relief. Like everything had become too much and he needed to find a way to let it out. First it had been skipping meals, and then it was punching things, until he found the knife. And it helped. It helped then and it would help him now. But he couldn't be stupid again, not with his Mam and Paddy watching him so closely and then there was Robert. No not Robert. Robert wasn't going to wake up, remember.

He fell to the floor at the thought of never seeing those blue eyes again. He thumb found the wound on his hand from the wall and pressed, releasing some of the pressure.

He'd tried once to forget about him, to forget what they had, the running had helped. The crushing weight he felt from pushing himself past the exhaustion had been his release and it had worked. But it hadn't gone unnoticed. He wanted to run now but knew he couldn't, he couldn't do that to his Mam not now, not after what he put her through last time. And him. He'd let him, Robert, he'd let him beat him just to give him that release, just so he wouldn't feel so alone, his words, his lies they made him so angry that he'd punched him, he didn't think he would stop, and he'd let him, he'd taken the beating, to prove to him how much he cared. He wanted to tell someone, anyone what he'd done, what he'd made him do and he nearly had, he'd nearly told Vic everything, but in the end he couldn't, and then he was there, telling him how much he cared and how he didn't want to lose him, how they were in this together, he'd tried to push him away, back to his wife, but it didn’t work, he wouldn’t leave. He still remembers his words, three different words, and little did he know they were soon to be followed by the other three. _‘It's not enough,’_ he can hear his voice, as clear as if he's stood next to him, say that she wasn't enough for him, that he needed Aaron, and that's the moment he'd shocked him by screaming the words, the other three stupid little words. The words that ruined everything.

He pressed the wound even harder, opening it up and allowing the blood to flow freely, needing to relinquish the hold his memory had on him. He needed to forget, forget about him and move on. The pain took over for a few minutes and he could breathe again, his head didn't feel so full. When he looked up he found himself in the graveyard. He had no idea why he'd ended up there and as the pain in his hand subsided to a dull ache his head started again. Jackson. The date. That's why his was there. There was too much going on, too much in his head. Jackson. His Mam. And him.

He knelt down and ran his hand over the name etched into the stone.

“Help me,” he whispered.

He traced each letter and tried to remember how it had felt to touch him but he couldn't. He’d broken his promise, he didn't remember him. And he knew why.

The feel of a man had been new to him back then, he hadn’t known who he was, not until Jackson had shown him, and he'd felt embarrassed, even after him and Jackson had been together. But here, now, when he was with Robert it was different. He felt normal. He felt better than normal he'd felt alive. And he hated that Robert made him feel like that, had made him forget how Jackson had made him feel. When he closed his eyes and tried to remember him, it was the soft manicured hands he remembered not the calloused builders’ hands he once loved. It was like Robert had crashed into his life and taken over. Blinded him somehow. He wished he could go back to a time where anything made sense, but if he was honest, nothing had ever really made sense to him. The feelings he once buried so deep he refused to believe them. Over the years he'd come to terms with them, accepted them even. Could Robert ever do that, he asked himself, would Robert ever accept his own feelings, sure he'd admitted them to Aaron in the heat of the moment, when he needed Aaron on his side but in the cold light of day would Robert ever say those words to him. He didn't believe so, the last time they spoke he'd be cruel. The Robert he knew had been replaced by a spiteful evil man. He knew it was all an act, words being used like fists, meant to hurt him, to get some reaction but Aaron had been done, it had all been too much and he'd lashed out, told him that was the last time he'd speak to him like that again. In that moment he truly hated him. His words replayed in his head, he was right he was a failure, he’d killed Jackson and took that guilt out on himself. No, Jackson had wanted to die, it was his choice, Robert had just been lashing out too, but his words made his blood boil with hatred. But there cannot be that much hate without love. The worst part about Robert was he didn't understand how lovable he was. It had been easy to love Jackson, the cheeky grin that made everyone smile, his kind heart, his generosity. Everyone who met him liked him instantly. And then there was Robert. Who immediately got your back up with his arrogance, but it was all just an act, when they were together it had been different, he had been different. But now, now whenever he met him he had no idea which Robert he was going to get, his Robert the sweet, caring, farm boy or the posh self-righteous idiot that lorded about the village. He wanted to turn back time, to go back, back to that week were they had been happy. He laughed coldly, a week, they had just a week of happiness and even that was a delusion, a distraction to keep Aaron on side. He didn't care though, that week had shown Aaron who Robert really was, it had shown him his Robert, the one he wanted now.

If he was truly honest with himself he liked giving up control to Robert. He didn't have to be stuck in his own head, he could talk to him, he understood, but now, after everything he felt alone. He missed the bold command of Robert voice, telling him what to do, how he made him feel. He'd been weak and needed him then just like he needed him now.

No he didn't need him, did he? Did he? He knew Robert used his words like a weapon, firing at will when he was backed in a corner, but he's been cruel, put their relationship down to nothing, like Aaron was nothing, when he knew that wasn't true. Each word had been like a punch in the gut, another scar across his stomach, he was glad he didn't have a knife right now because he knew that if he did he'd cut too deep just to stop his brain from thinking.

“What do I do?” he asked out loud, leaning his head against the cool marble.

But he was the only person who could answer that.

Should he go to him again? He didn't know what to say but he knew he had to go and see him, apologise, do something; he couldn't stand the thought of those words being the last things they said to each other. Even if the love they once shared meant nothing to Robert it did to him, it still does deep down. He couldn't let those words be the last thing Robert remembered about him. He ran his fingers over Jacksons name again.

“Sorry,” he sobbed.

“I'll try and remember, I loved you, I really loved you, but it's him now, I'm so sorry Jackson.”

He curled himself up against his grave, wanting to be close to someone he loved, who had loved him back. He let the sobs take over his body, the tears seeping into the ground.

It took him a while to cry out all his sorrow. When the sobs finally stopped and he could breathe again, in and out, in and out. He knew what he had to do. With a destination in mind he made his legs move and he felt at ease somehow, like he had a purpose and nothing else matter. He pushed all the other stuff out of his head and focused on seeing him again. What would he say, would he want him there, did he even want to be there but then he remembered his mams words, the reason he was out here alone, he might not wake up. The ache started again in his chest and no matter how hard he pressed on his hand it did nothing to ease it. There was only one thing left, as he was planning on going anyway it seemed now was the time to start. So he ran. He put one foot in front of the other and pushed. Pushed himself faster and faster. He found it easy, like riding a bike, navigating through the roots and the trees. He knew not to push as hard as before, but he still pushes. As he ran he thought about his destination. The same place he'd been five years ago, did he really want to go back there? To that place? It's seems he's been there quite a few times over the past few years, Cain, Paddy, himself even, but there were only two people he thought about now, the two people that meant the world to him, one dead and one soon to be. That one thought made him stop. He grasped the nearest tree to keep him upright. He shrugged out of his coat, embracing the discomfort he felt as he peeled the material that had stuck to his skin slick with sweat. He couldn't think like that, Robert wasn't going to die, he wouldn't let him, he couldn't leave him alone, he promised they were in this together, yes it had been an empty promise back then but he was going to hold him to it. And perhaps being there, in that place, would bring back memories of Jackson that he'd buried. He took a deep breath and set off again, this time he wouldn't think about them, just where he was going. The hospital. And as his feet pounded the ground in a rhythmic stride so did the names in is head.

Left foot. Jackson.

Right foot. Robert.

Left. Jackson.

Right. Robert.

Jackson.

Robert.

Robert. Jackson.


End file.
